I have been through a lot in my life, more than most experience in their life time. I have been raped twice, been given a permeant STD by one of my rapists, sexually harassed, stalked, had an eating disorder for 15 years and spent 4 months in an inpatient treatment center, lost everything in house fire (along with my beloved pets) and almost lost my life, watched 18 friends and family members die from suicide, alcoholism, cancer, overdose, and freak accidents. I grew up in an emotionally abusive alcoholic household to which my mother has been to rehab 7 times, both of my parents have had colon cancer within a year of one another, and a 6-yearlong divorce. Growing up I choose friends that called me fat, stupid, ugly, and created the “I hate Megan club”.
It seemed like misery, trauma, and death followed me around. They law of attraction is so powerful. I was putting out to the universe that I was a victim, so the universe made me one. I saw myself as fat, stupid, ugly, and worthless, so I attracted people that thought the same thing.
I spent years playing the victim. I would constantly use my trauma as an excuse for my behavior (being angry, curing people out, giving in to my eating disorder, shutting others out, not following through with my promises…etc.). None of it could possibly be my fault because of what had happened to “poor me”. I could do no wrong. Believing I was a victim was the perfect scapegoat to not better myself, to treat people like crap, and to become bitter and cold.
It wasn’t until recently that I started to be grateful for all of my suffering, and all I have learned from it. I have learned that I am strong beyond words, that I ultimately have control of how I live my life, and that my trauma does not define me. I can do and be anything. No longer do I get to feel bad for myself, and wallow in self-pity and depression. Nor do I get to look down upon those that have not suffered like me. Everyone suffers differently, and something that may cause me to suffer may be a cake walk for someone else and vice versa. Every. Single. Person. Has their own battle. You don’t have to see it to know it. Today I am in eating disorder recovery, and battle anxiety, depression, and PTSD daily, but I am happier than ever because I embrace what it teaches me daily. Your trauma does not control you, and it is not an excuse. The only thing it is an excuse for is learning, loving, and growing. Be kind to one another. Embrace your past with love, and move on to a brighter future.
With so much love,