Well I’ve done it. I feel like I’m in a “coming of age” movie about a 20-something year old girl who moves across the country to a big city. Except, this movie is real and doesn’t have writers who can easy type in a feel good ending. As I drove into Los Angeles with my dad, it hit me, like a swarm of wired up hummingbirds trapped inside of my stomach. “Holy Sh!t…what am I doing?!” I couldn’t turn back and drive another 4 days back to South Carolina, I mean I posted a picture on Instagram for God’s sake telling everyone I’m moving! As traffic slowly began to condense and emerge around me, I felt claustrophobic. Um, where was this in the script?! The feeling of panic and fear? And where the heck is Natashia Bettingfield’s Unwritten playing in the background?! The next couple of days went by in an exhausted, anxious blur. I never felt like this before. Thank goodness my mom stayed a few extra days with me. She was my rock, my lifeline, the only thing keeping me grounded and safe. I felt like someone had yanked the confidence rug out from under my feet and smacked me across the face with it. THIS was not part of the plan. I knew in my gut I needed to do this, I was sure of it. I remembered playing it over and over in my head that as soon as I got here things would magically align and it would just feel so right. But here I am, tears swelling up in my eyes as I dropped my mom off at the airport, my lifeline being tossed out of the boat. Or more like its being pulled back onto the boat while im still out here sinking in the water. As I rode back to my apartment, all I could think about was how everyone back home kept telling me how brave I am for doing this. This started to enrage me as hot tears rolled down my face. Of course they can say that from the safety of their comfort zones. They don’t know what this is like, moving across the country with no idea what will happen. They didn’t take a risk with no career plan nor end sight in mind. They don’t understand how alone this feels. This isn’t brave, this is effing nuts! Then my fear turned towards God/the Universe. God what the heck am I doing out here! This is scary. This is vulnerable. This is uncertain. And I just really need you to make a miracle happen and scribble on some stone the roadmap to my life so I at least know everything is going to be alright. It was in this exhausted conversation with God that I realized it- I can only handle this adversity when I let go of control. BAM! That one hit me in the face like a freight train. If you know me, you know how much of a control problem I have. I’m a recovering perfectionist and planner, and when these are mixed together, you get a girl with a tight grip around how she wants her life to look like. This experience is the most out of control I’ve ever been. This is the most uncertain and most vulnerable I’ve ever felt. And you know what, this IS pretty damn brave. Facing my fears and doing something so out of my comfort zone- that’s brave. And how could I compare my comfort zone with someone else’s? Introducing yourself is brave, smiling at the barista is brave, handing in your resume is brave, changing your degree is brave. This thought brought overwhelming comfort to me- what if everyone has experienced this venture into the unknown and felt this exact feeling? We only see the triumph or the glorious overcoming after its been done, instead of seeing the blood, sweet, and (a lot) of tears that went into the unbecoming in order for them to grow and excel. As hard as this is now, I do know one thing is certain- what goes down, must come back up again. As uneasy and scary as this is, I know this feeling won’t last forever. I know that there are incredible, joyful moments ahead. And they are going to be pretty glorious since my low feels so low. This is the time in my life where I really learn to rely on myself. I can really learn about a part of me I never knew existed. This adversity will help me grow into a new confidence I’ve never achieved before. And that my friends, is exciting. It’s only the beginning.
And to many more beginnings,
*** It’s been a year and some change since I wrote the above post and it leaves me with a comforting smile. Oh, I remember those feelings but i’ve really grown since then. That adversity was the best thing that’s happened to me in my life thus far and i’ll be forever grateful to myself for taking that risk. I have no idea where my life will go from here but it’s because I’m done trying to plan it out. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that it’s much easier going with the flow and staying present than trying to control life. I still have goals, but the “how” on how i’m going to get there i’m leaving up to the universe. I’ve developed a new found confidence not only within my self but with the universe that it always has my back. I have a fresh perspective on life and how I want to live it. And stepping out of my comfort zone has taught me that the best things in life are gained from doing so.